Tolerance, acceptance, and identity

This post is not necessarily related to being abroad; it's just something I think is important...

"I don't care if you're gay. Just don't flaunt it."
"My friend's mother's sister's daughter's son is gay, so I know what it's like."
"I'm not homophobic. I just don't feel comfortable going to a gay club."
"I think it's fine to be gay. But why do you need to be married?"

This is tolerance. I don't want to be tolerated. Bugs, humidity, pain, bad smells, and hunger are tolerated. I refuse to be satisfied being put into the same category as those things... things to be tolerated.

I also refuse to hand out kudos to those who are accepting, as if I should expect anything less. Do they want me to give them a happy meal toy for treating me with the basic respect that every human deserves? Moreover, it implies that they are praise-worthy for accepting us in spite of our LGBT status, as if this identity is some sort of character flaw.

And please don't give me your résumé. I don't care if you have 20 gay siblings. I don't give a shit if some person you met once is a lesbian. You don't get a free pass for homophobia just because I am not the first LGBT person you've met. You also don't get to assume that my being gay means that I'm the same person as the first lesbian you met.

I think we need to flip the dialogue about LGBT life around. It is us who should be given kudos for tolerating people that anything less than affirming, supportive, embracing, respecting from the get-go. We must spend our lives expecting to be treated this way and be surprised and angry if we are not. We must do this in order for the non-queer community and our "allies" to understand that their discourse is wrong, reversed.

Alas, we do not have the numbers, the political and social power, to make all these changes, at least not alone and not with so many people still in the closet. So, we must continue to tolerate bigotry, hypocrisy, and tolerance. We must tolerate being tolerated until we have a choice. 

"Mujeres en línea"

Transantiago, the city's public transport system, maintains a set of TV's in the metro trains, buses, and stations. These TV's show music videos, commercials, sports games, and most often "publimetro" information. These are short paragraphs, sorted under certain themes such as noticias, jovenes, deportes, and mujeres. "Jovenes en línea" usually includes information about pop culture or technology; "noticias en línea" about car accidents, crimes, winners of elections, etc.

After seeing a few of the mujeres en línea notices, I started keeping a list of them on my phone:

• Paris fashion week
• consecuencias de dietas sin asesoramiento previo
• como quitar el color de las uñas con limones 
• what you should eat while pregnant
• what to eat so that you're body burns fat faster

Ironically, one day on the metro just after several of the above, I see the following noticias en línea news: 29 femicidios en 2012, igual que el año pasado. Do they not see the relationship?

I really do not like the implication that the only relevant things they can come up with for all mujeres are fashion and dieting. What about information about non-superficial things, like women's rights or health issues? If they are even going to define and limit people to the label mujer, they should at least provide reminders about getting mammograms, stories about successful businesswomen, changes in female representation in government, the income gap, etc. Not to mention that defining fashion and dieting as women's interests excludes and shames men who like these things--as well as excluding and shaming women who aren't interested in these things.

Now if only mujeres chilenas could recognize this as sexism and fight against it.

Temblor

El jueves a las 14:22 hubo un temblor.

Estaba en clase, escuchando al profe, cuando sintió una cosa que he sentido antes-- el movimiento de la tierra. Pero, esta vez, no tuve que estar en la cama, bien quieta, para poder percibirlo. Pude sentirlo sentado en una silla. Estaban balanceándose los velos.

El profe dijo "¿Es un temblor?" La clase dijo que sí, y se convirtió en una escena bastante ruidosa y ansiosa. Los chilenos todavía tenían en su memoria el terremoto "27F" en 2010. Así que tenían mucho miedo que se cambiara a algo más grande. El profe decía "calmados, calmados" hasta que se terminó. Duró como 10 o 15 segundos.

La directora de mi programa nos mandó mensajes de text, correos, y Facebooks. Por estar en clase, no respondí a ellos de inmediato. Por eso, ella llamó a mi casa chilena para averiguar que yo estaba bien. Como media hora luego, respondió.

Esa noche, busqué la información sobre el temblor por USGS y me dijo que fue 5.5 en el epicentro y que, en Santiago, se lo sintió como un 4.3.

A mi me pareció bastante débil de verdad. Pero igual no tengo en mi mente el recuerdo del terremoto 2010.

I should've come out today.

Me: I'm spending next semester in Brazil.
S: You're lucky. I've heard the Brazilian guys are cute (looks around).
D: Not like the Chilean guys, huh?
S: Yeah. That'll be good for you.

These are not their exact words, but you get the point.

I am disappointed in myself. I should've have said something. They are liberal California gringos. It would have been fine and quick. And yet I stayed silent. "Silence is acceptance," they say. Acceptance of heteronormativity, heterocentrism, and stereotypes of how straight women and lesbians are supposed to look.

I promise that from now on, if any of my gringo/a friends assume that I'm straight or are having a conversation with me where sexual orientation is relevant, I will come out.

Nombres, nombres, y más nombres

 When I stop and think about it, there a lot of people with Biblical names in Chile. In my soccer class, for instance, there are: María Jesús, 2 Tomás, José, Benjamin, Manuel, etc. Can you imagine someone in the US named Mary Jesus? And Mary is frequently used in the same way that women in English-speaking countries might use Lynn, Ann(e), Marie, etc. as middle name to form one chosen name with their first and middle names (Lise Anne, Anna Marie, etc). Though this, of course, is much less common in English.

I didn't even realize how frequent Biblical names actually are here until I looked up their translations. Obviously, I knew Pablo, Pedro, José, Jesús, Tomás, María, etc. But I didn't realize that Diego, Jaime, Santiago, or Jimena were also Biblical. I mean, I knew Santiago came from a saint, but that doesn't necessarily mean Biblical.

Zapatos

Mis Vans morados me han servido en Costa Rica, Chile y Argentina; en el desierto más seco del mundo, las selvas del caribe y las cumbres de los Andés; en San José, Santiago y Mendoza. Pero se me murieron de ketchup cayéndose de un chorripan.

Hoy fui a un mall pero no pensé en los tamaños que llevan las tiendas chilenas. Descubrí que llevan solamente hasta los 40 (US 8). Chuta. Llevo yo 42 o 43... las chilenas son tan pequeñitas. Así que, hasta que encuentro un lugar con tamaños más grandes, me quedo con zapatillas cubiertas en ketchup. 

Taller de jovenes gays

So today I decided to go to the taller de jovenes gays put on by MUMS (Movimiento por la Diversidad Sexual). First things first, their building is off of calle "Ricardo Cumming." Immature to laugh at, probably, but who (in the English-speaking world) wouldn't have an immature moment walking on that calle or entering the estación metro Cumming.

The taller was supposed to start at 16:00 and I arrived at 16:05. It was raining out so the taller was going to be indoors. For about an hour, we just sat around and talked. There were lots of "weon's" and "weona's" being thrown around. I look around and see all the Chilean women are pretty butch with the exception of one. I was so nervous and knew that, if I said anything longer than a few words, they would know I was a gringa.

Finally, we started by doing an exercise where we had to go around and decide on "date" times with various people. Then, we had to sit with each person and answer specific questions according to the time of the "date" we decided. Most of them were pretty normal questions about our favorite movies, least favorite food, etc. Then we got to the strange ones. ¿Qué es su fantasia erótica? ¿Dónde ha sido el lugar más extraño en lo cual tuviste sexo? So awkward and TMI. Also the second question assumes that we have had sex, which seems strange considering that it's a taller de jovenes and the youngest were 16. Most of the time I just ended up answering the same questions anyways: ¿De dónde eres? ¿Porqué estás en Chile? ¿Hace cuanto tiempo has estado acá? ¿Qué estudias? etc. etc.

We introduced ourselves and most of us were between 18 and 20 in colegio or uni, with two 16-year-olds and a few mid-20s. I learn that the only other non-butch woman in the taller is the heterosexual gemela of a lesbian attending the group.

Next we did one of the strangest exercises I have ever done in my 19 years. And believe me that I have done my fair share of strange group exercises.... We wrote our names with our bodies on one of the walls of the room. Basically we just saw everyone's asses moving around in the shape of letters.

We took a cookie and coffee break and I suddenly found everyone around me wanting to know about my experience in Chile and  being a lesbian here. About all of the girls that ask multiple times if I'm a lesbian or not and don't believe me when I say that I am. I guess I'm just too "pretty."

In the group room again, I heard about people's coming out experiences in their families and colegios. This is really what I came to hear. I want to know how LGBT life is for Chileans. What surprised me was the amount of people using "maricón," but I guess Spanish-speaking LGBT people can use it the same way English-speaking LGBT people sometimes refer to themselves as fags, dykes, queers, etc. It takes the power away from the word.

Two of the girls got expelled from their colegios for being lesbians. One when she was only 14 and just because she was hanging out with a known lesbian, not because she actually admitted to being lesbian or got caught in a lesbian act. How ridiculous! And how unfortunate considering that Chileans usually attend the same colegio from ages 5-18. On a lighter note, Sebastían's dad said he knew his son was gay because "fumais como maricón." What in the world does that mean? Other than the fact that he smokes a lot, he seems to smoke pretty normally to me.

We ended the group by doing some weird singing in a circle activity where I was so close to people I passed even the sardine level of rush hour in the Santiago metro. After the taller, we all pitched in to buy some beer and vodka and hung out in the building, listening to music and dancing for the next two hours.

I'm really happy I did this today. I got several things I wanted out of it--to listen to Chilean LGBT experiences, meet people from the community in a non-disco/bar setting, and create some possibilities for friends or activities. 

De nanas y patrones

My host family has two nanas (chileno for domestic workers). They are:

1. La Lucha: comes Mon-Fri 8-5, about 65-years-old, looks very similar to my host mom but has slightly darker skin, very overweight, has worked in the house for over 30 years, has 5 living children, married at age 13, currently married to her second husband
2. La Nolvia: comes Wed & Fri 8-5, spends the other 3 days working at my host parents' son's house, in her late 40s or early 50s, very overweight, has worked over 10 years with the family

Their tasks include the following:

• Cooking and serving: they spend a large portion of the day cooking lunch and dinner, for lunch they are expected to serve the family and pick up any finished plates, they usually make everything from scratch and with long hard processes
• Cleaning: vaccuming, dusting, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, etc.
• Organizing: they pick up the kids' toys in the backyard, take the clothes off my 26-year-old host sister's floor, etc.
• Laundry: Lucha does the laundry every Monday, which consists of (1) putting certain clothes directly in the washer, (2) letting other clothes soak before washing, (3) drying certain clothes in the dryer and others outside in the backyard, (4) ironing everything, (5) folding everything, (4) sorting and delivering it to everyone's rooms
• Childcare: whenever there are children in the house, they are also responsible for feeding and watching them
• Pet care: Lucha gives Fifa (cocker spaniel) her food every day before she leaves and picks up her poop every day
• Communications: they answer house phones and open the front gate when someone rings
• Beds: they make our beds every day and change the bed sheets every Friday

For me, of course, this is a completely new experience. In the US, you just wouldn't have nanas unless you are super rich. I did have a "cleaning lady" for a few years but she only came a few hours per month and the relationship was totally different.

Here, nanas are common among upper middle class families and they stay with the same family year after year. They are paid minimum wage, around 40,000 Chilean pesos (~$85) per full work week, or about $2 an hour. This is not much at all considering that the cost of living in Santiago is relatively high, and they spend about 1,000 pesos every day just to go to and from the house. But, Chile does not have the kind of social security and unemployment benefits that most Western countries do. If nanas were not so desirable or if the minimum wage were raised, these women would be left with very few options to earn money. They often have limited schooling, children, extended families in Perú or Bolivia, and no other job skills or experience. Surely being a nana is healthier and safer than being a sex worker, drug mule, or any of the other jobs they would have to undertake in order to provide for themselves and their children.

In that sense, it is understandable that my nanas call my host parents, their employers, "patrón" and "patrona." This job gives them more dignity than any other choice they have. But, at the same time, my host parents could easily increase their standard of living tremendously with very small changes.

Financially, they certainly have the means to pay them $10-20 more a week. Beyond that, there are certain language and living habits they could easily adjust. For instance, calling Lucha Ud. (vs tú) as they would any friend of her age. Doing a little cleaning and organizing over the weekend so Lucha doesn't have 3 days of work to do on Mondays. Letting them eat at the table with us instead of alone in the kitchen. Using fewer dishes and utensils so there is less to wash. Eating vegetables that aren't shredded completely. And so on.

I think these changes would also benefit my host family. It would be good for them to learn to do some of these tasks on their own and to understand the work that goes into them. It would make them more independent, more appreciative, and more understanding of middle class life in other countries where nanas are rare. They might learn to see their nanas as equal persons, not simply employees of lower social classes.

As for me, I prefer my life without nanas. Though mine are nice and I enjoy talking with them, I feel guilty and uncomfortable when they are doing chores that I am equally capable of doing. Also, I like my privacy and independence. It is unnerving to find my things moved and bed set when I come home from class. And it's awkward and disturbing when they knock on the door and wake me up at 10 AM on a Friday morning to set my bed and vacuum. Besides, I don't even like my bed set to begin with because it crunches my toes and makes it hard to move around. Not to mention that I honestly miss doing laundry and cleaning. There is something relaxing in doing something non-intellectual and repetitive while listening to music or TV in the background. Or sorting through a pile of warm, "ocean breeze"-smelling clothes while sipping tea on a cold day.

Around the world in XXX days

In every country, in every hostel, in every city, there are young travelers. Wandering throughout the world in search of ideas and of themselves. These are not tourists. They are not gringos in the same way a person that goes to Rio for a week during carnaval is a gringo. They travel on a budget, jumping from hostel to hostel, taking cross-continent bus trips and memorizing their passport number. They speak English and at least one other language. They don't know when they will be done. It depends on when their money runs out or whenever they feel done. They are usually in their 20s, well educated, independent, European, and socially liberal. Many are taking a break between undergrad and grad or graduate school and a career or they just need to think about what it is they actually want to do with their lives.  They travel by themselves or sometimes with a friend or a partner.

I would like to be one of these people some day. A world wanderer, not fixed to any geographical point, language, or culture for a few months or a year. I would go to Bogotá and explore the transportation system; Panamá City and watch the ships go through the canal for hours; Montevideo and take a boat to Buenos Aires; Lima; Río de Janiero during carnaval; Brasília, the "artifical" frontier city created just for the government; Caracas and Havana to see urban socialist/communist settings; México DF when it's safer; San Juan to see how it is being in an "associated free state"... And after Latin America, I would go to Johannesburg and Cape Town to see life after Apartheid; Manila and Jakarta, those enormous cities in Oceania we hear so little about; Delhi and Mumbai; Istanbul, Moscow, and Jerusalem for the history and architecture...